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creating and living sexual mindfulness

by – Kai, lead somatic sexologist

If we are going to have a significant impact towards world sex positivity, sex education and our sexual relationships in life then we to need create and practice being mindful. We need to accept not just tolerate differences; apply compassion and  have the capacity to view varying angles (differences)

Changing the way: we learn sexually, thinking of each other sexually, how we feel about each other sexually, how we navigate our internal and external sexual thoughts/emotions, and erotic capacities requires a deep sense of awareness. I’m using Dr Daniel Seigels TEDx talk to inform this blog article. Daniel is a leading clinical psychiatrist who specialises in mind-sight and child development.

Daniel talks about freeing the brain in an educational capacity. The same skills he discusses for the classroom and children can equally be applied to our sexual lives. Many of us are sexually dormant, oblivious to our own erotic potential and intolerant to human sexual differences. We can also be hyper aroused. In these situations, we need to awaken our brains by tuning in. If we do this, we can start to glimpse into our mind and  are able to free ourselves. This allows us to truly appreciate our relationships with ourself, partner and others. We are able to accept the multi dimensions of human sexuality/experiences and navigate the erotic world around us.

Our feelings, thoughts and interactions with one another occur as neural integrations. Dr. Seigel points out that such neural integration is at the heart of a healthy body-mind and your relationships with others. Your experiences drive energy throughout the body via neural connections in the form of synapses. Neurons in the brain are plastic, meaning you can create, develop and change connections over time. In my work these connections are often referred to as sexual energy. In a neurophysiological capacity, this energy is made up of chemicals and electrical impulses.

We are all interconnected socially and functionally in many ways. This is the same for the erotic aspects of our lives. Our brain is not only a social organ but also a sexual organ. Overtime, politics, religion, culture, medicine, education, sexual practices, relationship experiences with one another have shaped our brain. These experiences start from an early age, and often include masturbation in utero, self-touch, sexual feelings, curiosity, the birds and the bees story, positive and negative sexual experiences, porn, education, parenting messages, observing other relationships, social sexual conformity from what is right and wrong etc.

We all can change and create a sense of sexual mindfulness and wellness within ourselves and others. Daniel points out that we can perform daily ‘brain’ brushing. This is like daily tooth brushing that we perform as parental hygiene practices. Instead we can use mindfulness to create sexual awareness and wellness. To brush your synaptic connections, think about or do the following in yourself, with your partner (if you have one) and others around you.

  • Have an awareness of how your body feels including your genitals.
  • Touch yourself and your lover.
  • Convey feelings with yourself and lover.
  • Attune your communication with each other.
  • Create harmony and emotional balance in yourself.
  • Release and extinguish fears or what I call vulnerabilities.
  • Be flexible with yourself and sexual partner.
  • Have insight into your brain and how it works.
  • Be empathetic with your partner.
  • Develop a sense of sexual intuition.
  • Be a responsible and committed lover.

Of course, don’t forget to brush your teeth as well.